The past few days have been extremely hard, I thought it was going great till something ran across my ears and then bam, it hit me. The day before yesterday i was cleaning the girls closest and ran across hanging up were the cute shirts I had made the girls announcing the new arrival of their sibling, and again it hit me hard that i dont have them here with me, they are in heaven.
It began back in 2006, June to be exact. We fell pregnant May of 2006, on mother's day. Found out we were expecting not what we had expected needless to say we had just moved here to Texas, my husband just retired from the Navy. Well it would start by ending up in the Dr's office for blood work and the blood work not going well, then it would consist of u/s weekly, by the 7th week the Dr said we will see you back in a few weeks, we dont think things are going well. My husband worked 2hrs away one way, I had 2 little ones 3 older ones home. My oldest daughter went to my last Dr appt,the dr came in and said its a no go, baby was not developing. Go hime discuss options with hubby and go from there, Friday june 9th 2006 i had a D&C. We had decided that God knew what he was doing and was going to bless us with more,so next month we fell preggo again and Catey Louise was born March 31st 2007.
After a lengthy ordeal over a vasectomy, DH was convicted to have it reversed so in 2008 he got a reversal. July 2009, we got pregnant much to our surprise as we were told we could not concieve on our own b/c of antisperm antibodies. A few days after finding out we were pregnant, went for blood work and found out we had what they call a chemical pregnancy. A few months later we would get pregnant again and Gracilynn June was born 7/23/2010. We enjoyed everything about her and wanted more. When I got my first PPAF,we started trying, got pregnant almost immediately on our second month trying, i was shocked so excited.We then would also learn our oldest daughter was expecting as well, a few short days ahead of me. Things were going so well, had my first OB appt, for screening, but had a different feeling too, asked for an u/s. I was told at 11weeks our baby died at 9 weeks. I was so devastated beyond anything, I had wanted that baby so bad,my heart was just broken to bits. OB Dr said by the end of the week you should naturally miscarry if not Id have to have a D&C, I did not want that,so i went home and waited. A few short days later i would get the news my only living Grandmother left the link between me and my bio mom would pass, two days later i would loose our precious baby. I cant explain how hurt and broken hearted i was, I was so distraught over it. Our baby was due May 4th 2012.
A few short months I would fall pregnant again, again I was excited but very gaurded,did not get my hopes up, did not get attached. Everything going well, OB Dr said things looked good,had some light bleeding found out I had a hematoma,ok I have dealt with those not a big deal. That was a Monday. sunday I woke up, had more spotting except this time it was quite a bit more,told hubby I needed to stay home from church, he could take the girls. I proceeded to help my 5yr old get dressed, as I sat on her bed I felt something pull away from inside me, more of something detaching. I told hubby I just felt something, I walked to the bathroom and that is where I lost our baby, I picked him/her our of the toilet wiped the baby off and could clearly see the sac and the baby with little black dots for eyes,i cried so hard. I will never,ever forget the day i held my sweet baby.
Today this afternoon,I was putting my 2 yr old to bed, I kneeled by her bed to stroke her little cheek and i started praying, pouring my heart out to God, telling him to them all mommy loves them so much.
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