What God is teaching me

So, I said Id come back and here I am.

Sunday morning was just terrible for me, weepy, and I mean just crying at the drop of a hat, sitting in church and could not help but just cry. I kept thinking of how much I miss my babies to how much I know God will carry me to he knows best and whatever his will is I need to stand on that. We feel very convicted in the verse that he commands us to be fruitful and multiply,and psalm 127 that says the fruit of the womb is HIS reward so we stand on those.
I kept being weepy and during altar call I felt led to go get on my knees, I truly had not felt Gods presence lately through alot that has happened in the last yr and a half, alot of marital problems and then loosing babies,to loosing my father in law and my only living Grandmother who was the only link I had to my biological mother. I had started taking zoloft because I felt after my fourth loss, first back to back loss that I could not cope,so I asked my OB Dr if she would prescribe something. I decided a month or so ago to get off of it. I think it masked alot of what needed to come out.
I knelt on my knees at that altar, not wanting at all to pour my heart out, I couldnt, I just couldnt. I couldnt trust God would be there,so I cried so hard, tears running down my face snot running down my nose, I kepy nodding No, Lord Im not gonna do it. Im not gonna do it, all of a sudden I wept like a baby to him, I said Lord I need to feel you with me,I need to know your there right beside me, I know he is according to the bible,but I just had not felt him, that morning I felt him, here I was a sinner in front of the Lord asking for him to comfort me,to hold me and tell its gonna be ok.

I have never felt so relieved and cleansed after that, I knew he was with me in my mind but my soul did not feel him,and I needed to feel that,i needed to feel his presence.