Friday, May 24, 2013
My 5th miscarriage, 3rd in a row
Today I decided since it is very hard for me to even talk or open my mouth to God I would start blogging. When we conceived this baby, my first initial thought was shock disbelief and fear, I knew what the outcome was going to be and I knew I did not want my heart hurt again. Why? Do you think I knew, well its been a very trying 2years with a lot of stuff going on and I knew in my heart it would not end up the way I would like it.
I really have not been able to even talk to God, I cant get the words out, I am so hurt and torn by everything that has taken place, I know God is not to blame for it, he did allow it to happen for what purpose or reason I don't know. I have cried so much, I am so blessed to have 7 wonderful children here on earth, and now 5 in heaven. I wont be able to hold, kiss them, nurse them, change their diaper or anything, I wont be able to see them till I get to heaven, which may be awhile or soon, who knows.
How do you possibly get through loosing a baby, even if its only 9 weeks or 29 weeks or even 32 weeks, a baby is a baby, and my babies all left me at 7weeks,4weeks,11weeks, 9 weeks and 9 weeks. My last 3 losses were in a row, it had been a year since we got pregnant last and I thought well, I am old and my eggs are no good. I started to be content with the children I had left to raise our 4 lovely girls, Alyson, Emily, Catey and Graci. It took me a year to finally be ok with never having anymore, in fact I remember saying, If I never have another child, I'm ok because I don't ever want to go through such pain, and here I sit in that same pain I was once was again, after saying if I never have another child again i'm ok as long as I never have to feel the pain again.
Our daughters are soo heart broken, especially our 11 year old, she wont talk to me about it, we have suffered 5 losses and all while she was growing up. I remember the first loss we had, 7 years ago. She was in Pre-k and she ran down the hall saying "my mommy has a baby in her tummy". I thought Im not pregnant, well a few short weeks later I was. Then we lost it and her little heart cried, she was 4 years old, then we got pregnant right away and had Catey. What a blessing she has been. We had another loss after Catey a few years later, and it was a complete shock, we then got pregnant a few short months later and had GraciLynn. We have then went on to have 3 more in a row, and it has been extremely devastating to me.
I really have not been able to even talk to God, I cant get the words out, I am so hurt and torn by everything that has taken place, I know God is not to blame for it, he did allow it to happen for what purpose or reason I don't know. I have cried so much, I am so blessed to have 7 wonderful children here on earth, and now 5 in heaven. I wont be able to hold, kiss them, nurse them, change their diaper or anything, I wont be able to see them till I get to heaven, which may be awhile or soon, who knows.
How do you possibly get through loosing a baby, even if its only 9 weeks or 29 weeks or even 32 weeks, a baby is a baby, and my babies all left me at 7weeks,4weeks,11weeks, 9 weeks and 9 weeks. My last 3 losses were in a row, it had been a year since we got pregnant last and I thought well, I am old and my eggs are no good. I started to be content with the children I had left to raise our 4 lovely girls, Alyson, Emily, Catey and Graci. It took me a year to finally be ok with never having anymore, in fact I remember saying, If I never have another child, I'm ok because I don't ever want to go through such pain, and here I sit in that same pain I was once was again, after saying if I never have another child again i'm ok as long as I never have to feel the pain again.
Our daughters are soo heart broken, especially our 11 year old, she wont talk to me about it, we have suffered 5 losses and all while she was growing up. I remember the first loss we had, 7 years ago. She was in Pre-k and she ran down the hall saying "my mommy has a baby in her tummy". I thought Im not pregnant, well a few short weeks later I was. Then we lost it and her little heart cried, she was 4 years old, then we got pregnant right away and had Catey. What a blessing she has been. We had another loss after Catey a few years later, and it was a complete shock, we then got pregnant a few short months later and had GraciLynn. We have then went on to have 3 more in a row, and it has been extremely devastating to me.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
With such sadness, we have to announce we lost our precious baby
I cant begin to say how much pain I feel right now, we had no idea I would conceive again, but we did and we lost our precious baby last week. We have 5 babies waiting in heaven when we go home to the Lord. My pain and grief overwhelms me ,but more my precious children at home who so much wanted a new baby in the home. It comes to us a shock a huge shock of loss and I cant even begin with words to express the pain.
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